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Talking About The Taboo!

There are some stats that say 1 out of 6 boys have been or will be sexually abused. This is such a tragic statistic and what it tells me is that not only are there a lot of boys who have been abused and hurt, but that they grew or will grow into men who are still hurting and in pain from such a sick violation. Most men never saying a word about it, just suffering in silence. The tragedy in this is multilayered. Lots of people, especially men, dismiss it as something that happened, not really knowing that the effects are far-reaching. The effects from childhood molestation can cast a net that will affect you and everyone you love for the rest of your lives if not addressed. I know that this is difficult to talk about or even acknowledge, especially for men. That's why I am so happy that Dr. Howard Fradkin has written a book called Joining Forces to help men who are adult survivors learn to cope, deal and most of all stop suffering in silence.

Most of you reading this are not male... I know that because most of my audience is women :-) I know some of you are saying, "why is this important to me?" Well I'll tell you. I can assure you, his abuse can directly affect his relationship with you. It is such a cycle and this book is what can help to apply the brakes to stop the spinning. If you know of a male who has been sexually abused, this book is a must read in helping you understand him. If you suspect it or not, most of the telltale signs are common and lots of them are discussed in Joining Forces.

Let me be clear, Dr. Fradkin asked me to write the forward for this book, but I did not, nor will I ever, receive any monies for his book. That's not why I did it or why I'm sending this message to you. The reason I'm doing all of this is because I know the pain and the darkness and the shame that we as men can carry when these evil acts have been put upon us. But I also thank God. I know the peace and comfort that comes along with healing from the horror. Healing can start by reading this book.

Joining Forces is on sale now wherever books are sold.

Comments (page 5)

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  • Tiffany

    Thanks for sharing! May I have a signed copy from you and the author? I look forward to reading it.

    Reply
  • Cherie GA

    Tyler, I'm not sure about the statistics, but I do know many have been abused and haven't told. Some have and have told. Many reading this have also been sexually abused in some form. I've counseled many who told me about their abuse and how it affected them then and now. Tyler one thing I know is that it happens to both men and women and if people would tell the truth there are a lot out there who have dealt with this or is dealing with it, to include myself. I have things I know I will take to my grave. I chose to NEVER tell and I won't. I've seen the person many times as an adult, they may think I forgot, but I didn't. I don't see any reason to tell. I was a small kid, I'm a full grown (in my 40's now) all it would do is cause a lot of drama for people. I've dealt with a lot on my own, but one thing I know for certain is a person continues to be a victim only if they choose (that may sound cruel and that isn't my intention, I just know it's true). We don't have to allow our tragedies to define us. I feel I can say that, because I've gone through and I have forgiven people in my heart. There's no one I trust enough to tell. It's sad, but it's true. I love my family, but I just can't. I go on with my life. I know it has strengthen me in many ways. I'm a good person and I choose peace in my life. We can't move forward if we keep looking behind. We have to let it go. A person's past is just that, it has gone, what's left are the fragments and residual people hold on too. There's nothing in that but pain. I chose to accept it for what if was. There are a lot of hurting people out there. I wish I could tell them all that they can let it go. Sometimes no matter the pain or chaos one's past can cause, the individual choose to hold on to the remnants, because it's what they know and are familiar with, no matter how much pain or anger it causes. I've seen it more times than I care to count. Not only have I dealt with that kind of abuse, I've been physically abused by my children's father who was then my husband. I mean bust lips, stabbed with a screwdriver, punched, burst veins in my leg and so on. I was very young then (a young wife and mother). It taught me what not to accept and that I deserve better. I chose to get out while I could. Although young at the time, I knew I was in something bad. I never told anyone until I decided to leave. I had to sneak away with my children from a foreign country (we were military at the time), but I NEVER looked back. I was 22 then. I have a story to tell, but so does many others. I just thank God for keeping me through it all and making me stronger. That's just how I feel. I'm simply one person and I speak from my heart. One thing I know for sure is I never allowed anyone to abuse again. I try to encourage people to go at the first sign. It's a sure thing for what's to come. Anyways, thanks for the topic and God bless!

    Reply
    • Lesa R Texas #1766804

      Hi Cherie, You are a strong woman, and know that God is your vindicator. What happened in the dark will always come to the light. Wrong will always be made right. I hope you don't mind me adding to what you said, but I know we always want to do the right thing, keeping peace, so it's been said, but until abused individuals tell their story, they remain victims, living in shame. If you can find the strength to bring that crime to the light of day, then you become the controller. The predator no longer have power over you. The devil can't use that abuse as a weapon to blackmail you anymore, because that's exactly what he does. Once it's in the open, you are free, the perpetrator is put to shame, and the crime or abuse can stop, because they now know they are being watched, so they run like the cowards they are. So we've gotta get more resources out there for abused children, and people in general to turn to, like Dr. Fradkin's facility. May God continue to give you strength and many blessings to you and anyone who has been victimized.

      Reply
    • Sam VA #1766844

      Cherie, my dear, please seek some help in dealing with your past abuse. I know because it helped me deal with some past abuse that I suffered as a child. When you don't tend to a wound, it festers and gets worse. God will give you the strength to help you find someone you can trust to talk to about it. Don't let those wounds fester, dearheart. Do it for yourself and your family.

      Reply
    • Cherie GA #1767019

      I appreciate the responses, although I was only responding to help someone. I know you all may not understand, but I'm not having any issues about this! I'm sorry that it's hard for people to believe, because so many allow it to affect them. I'm not that type of person. If any of you all knew me, you would know what I'm saying is true. The reason I choose to keep it to myself, is because #1 I see no point in telling (it has nothing to do with being embarrassed, I was a child, I have nothing to be embarrassed about)..#2 I'm not angry about it nor does it cause me dsyfunction. I was a little kid, I'm no kid anymore and as I stated in the first msg, I'm in my 40's now. A person is only a victim in their present if they allow whatever they've gone through affect them in their daily life (causing chaos/dysfunction). That's not the type of person I am. I don't know why God made me to have the heart that I have, but I do. I don't hold things in, because I know there's no benefit of it, none at all. I've been hurt in my life, but I go through it learn something and move on. I know it's possible, because I'm living proof. I don't choose to allow things to cause me stagnation. Please don't put me in a category or pool me with people who have gone through this and allow it to continue to cause them pain, because I'm not like the average person. I have no anger or hate in my heart for no one. I've learned throughout my life that people do bad things to others, because they've either gone through it or have experienced a terrible upbringing in some form (outside of the fact there are simply some plain evil people in this world). So they too have been victimized. It doesn't give them the right to do it to someone else, but the reason they do is because they don't deal with it, they stay angry without doing something about it. They hold in the memories of it. When people hold onto those memories (which are simply thoughts) they harbor feelings about them, which in return is what causes their behaviors. 9 out of 10 times, those memories aren't good (holding them in cultivates them like fertilizer to crop, they grow and grow and it's why people find it hard to let go of them). I deserve to be happy and it is what I choose! One thing I will not do is give my power to it or to anything or anyone. Please trust me on that! All I want is for people to understand they don't have to be haunted by their past. No one has to surrender to anything that causes dsyfunction. It's all thoughts, change the thoughts, the feelings and behaviors will change. So thanks to your words, but I am fine! I'm praying others let it go too, no matter what it is (abuse in all forms, neglect, etc..etc)

      Reply
  • Joni White Covington GA

    Mr. Tyler, Thank you for being involved with this issue of abuse. So many generations allowed this kind of abuse to proliferate over the years with little or no interventions.. What do you advise a child to do while he is in the situation. Can a child fight back with the word of God or say something like this to avert the abuser . "Get out Satan the Blood of Jesus is against you, do not touch the Lord's child !" The Word God is powerful and many children are ignorant of the word and the effect. So many times we try to heal and not prevent. I hope this book also address the prevention to sexual abuse and what to do to stop it for both sexes male and female. God bless you!

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  • Karen Brown IL

    I just read the foreword to the book, Joining Forces. I am glad you spoke your truth. I pray for you and many others continued healing. May someone reading be able to find their voice and begin the healing process. I agree with you last sentence that it be "marrow to your brokenness and speak comfort to your soul." Blessings Karen

    Reply
  • lakeia jonsln midtown ATL

    WARNING SIGNS PARENTS. & ADULTS...WE MUST PAY CLOSER ATTENTION WHEN. KIDS START ACTING OUT OF CHARACTER ......ITS OFTEN CRIES FOR HELP........SILENCE DOES & WILL NOT MAKE IT HURT LESS OR THE SITUATION " GO AWAY"...THANKS 2 THE JUSTICE SYSTEM...THERE ARE LAWS PUNISHABLE FOR ABUSERS OF CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 16........THEY ARE PROTECTED FROM ABUSE WHEN INCIDENTS ARE REPORTED 2 THE PROPER AUTHORITIES........ITS OUR RESOPNSIBILITY 2..........PROTECT THE ONES THAT ARE 2 YOUNG 2 PROTECT THEMSELVES........REMEMBER WHEN THEY HURT...WE HURT ALSO.....

    Reply
    • Cherie GA #1767025

      You are EXACTLY right!!! I tell people this very thing ALL of the time. People are too easily fooled. They are too busy trying to idolize someone and missing the truth right before their eyes. No amount of riches in this whole world will change what's inside of a person. All it does is give them more power to hurt those they intend to hurt. Not only that for those who are dealing with other issues it just give them power to dwell deeper into things. Many people get into certain positions of power to place themselves in close proximity to the type of population they want to victimize. The real truth is most people you see are hiding who they really are. They pretend to be what they think is accepting, but behind closed doors they are something else. It doesn't matter what their position or if they're a billionare. Money, power, status, etc doesn't change who one is inside. That's why you see people fall day after to day, because the truth floats to the surface and into the light. It takes God (if you believe), faith, courage, learning who you are as a person, growth and maturity to truly be the real you. Most will never develop to this level. Maturity doesn't come naturally with age (unfortunate as it may be). That's why you see preachers, teachers, priest, rabbi's, presidents, congress members, CEO's, and all the way down the pole. The difference is those is high positions think they can get away with it, but it eventually surfaces. The truth of any person is in their actions and will be revealed at some point. Problem is the other person around this individual must accept the truth for what it is. Our problem as humans is we want to rationalize and make things be what we want them to be, thereby ignoring the truth UNTIL it bites us in the butt. To do otherwise is a process and again it's a process many will never make it to or through! Many wolves in sheeps clothing. However, the truth always is present IF a person is willing to accept it.

      Reply
  • Angela M Jones Harrisburg

    Yes it is a tragic situation!! This country has to rethink it values and morals and not give in to certain ways of live that give people a sense that anything goes! Just because your an adult certain ways of life don't promote a holsome happy life style for all involved I don't care who you are!! Just for example preist, public figures, just to name a few!!! God help us when in years to come all these mixed up family dynamics turn out to be havens for abused and hurt mixed up children!! Children aren't the only ones being abused and hurt psychologically and physically!! I want to do my best not to be an abuser to anyone for any reason!! MAKE SURE YOUR NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO TALK AND PRETEND TO ADVOCATE FOR THE ABUSED AND TURN OUT TO BE ONE OF THE WORST KIND THERE IS A LIEING HYPOCRIT!!!!! THOSE ARE THE KIND THAT SCARE ME THE MOST, THE PUBLIC CAN BE SO DECEIVED BY MONEY AND POWER!!!

    Reply
  • SistahWarhol KCMO

    Tyler, I am glad to know of this book and will read it when it gets to the library. I lost my family and most of my possesions in helping two little boys who were being raped by their uncle and sold into prostitution by a drug addicted father and a wife/mother beaten by husband and she let him do this to her children. I turned folks in. I hate secrets and would not tolerate it. I was almost jumped...anyway. the oldest is a teen now and the brother about ten. I haven't seen anyone in years.... I was forced to leave.... I have my own issues that go even deeper. These abused boys will grow up to be men and their life journey is still broadening. They are in my prays and thoughts often. Nice write up...

    Reply
    • Sam VA #1766836

      Hello Sistah, I too, am a survivor of abuse. I'd like to commend you for being an advocate for those young boys. Not many would sacrifice anything to make sure one is safe from harm. Oftentimes, children are abused, and no one comes to their aid. It is a secret shame that one carries forever unless the cycle is broken. We must be a village and protect our children, and adults too from all abuse. we need more like you, Sistah!

      Reply
  • lakeia jonsnl midtown ATL

    Thanks 4 sharing this.....Abuse of any magnitude ..physcial emotional sexual or verbal is DEGRADING & scars us....we must seek help...case & point.....was recently a juror on a incest case of a daughter/ father relationship...it was heart breaking 2 the point of making u sick 2 hear testimony....But there is redemption for those terrible acts...seeking help professionally & sharing the abuse with someone who U trust 2 get help & support from....Now it is common Among ppl...so teach ur children "ITS OKAY 2 TELL"......REMEMBER THE SCARS BEGAN 2 HEAL...WHEN WE SEEK HELP & SUPPORT........

    Reply
  • Ariel Nicole Bryant Annapolis, MD

    Hey Tyler, So first off I wanted to say to you that I think it is amazing that you are supporting a book/project that breaks the silence when it comes to sexual abuse and men. However, I am also a survivor of sexual abuse. I am 19 years old and a college junior. It is known that 1 in 4 teenage girls are sexually abused before the age of 18 and that 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. Most of these young victims know their abuser and in some cases the abuser is a family member. It is known that teenagers account for 51% of all reported sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by a family member but I was always afraid to speak out. I was afraid I would loose my family (I'm adopted) or that no one would believe me. It took me years before I was ready or willing to talk about it. I was ashamed and embarrassed. It felt like I was dirty. I didn't trust anybody and it still takes me a long time to become romantically involved with anyone. I was abused as a child but the effects lasted through my childhood and even up until now. I was a teenager that was forced to live guarded and confused because I didn't think anyone would get it or want to hear my story. Those were some of the hardest years of my life. I was forced to grow up faster and see the world without a level of innocence at a very early age. I was a child. There has never been a visible, wide spread campaign for young people who have been the victims of sexual abuse. At least not one that we can relate too. There are all sorts of sites and programs that take a professional approach to the abuse in young adults by offering counseling and seminars. However, there has never been a program for young adults/children by young adults/children. Joining forces provides men and women with ways to help men deal with their truth and their abuse history. The same should go for younger people. I have been interested in starting a nonprofit for the young victims of sexual abuse and breaking our silence. However, I have no idea how to get started or who to reach out to. As an advocate for men's domestic violence, I am reaching to you for help and support in making this dream a reality. I HOPE ANYONE AND EVERYONE THAT READS WILL COMMENT IN SUPPORT. I want all young people to feel comfortable in telling the truth and telling their story. Mr. Perry, you can help make that happen. Please give me the chance to help change the lives of young sexual abuse victims and survivors. They deserve to feel loved and accepted, regardless of their story. I was a child when this happened to me, and I'm now 19 and I am still not completely healed. Ariel N. Bryant

    Reply
  • Colleen williams Boston, MA

    I will pick this up soon, I am not a male but I know oh so well about being sexually abused. I just finished my first book "Who feels it knows it."

    Reply
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